What is it?The attorney replied, The pictures are of you with your secretary., I was visiting the house of a distant cousin when I saw that he was playing chess with his cat. Your feedback will help us improve the article. Finally, he goes to the dance with the girl. Why did the can crusher quit his job? I had him chained to a transmission!. Patient: "Doc, my bum hurts"Doctor: "Where specifically does it hurt? The drumstick. Theres no b in rose!Carl replied, There was in this one!. What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away. Because it was soda pressing. Make me one with everything.. 271. "No", says the neighbour. I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long? 95. A thief stuck a pistol in the man's ribs and said: "Give me your money.". Because they arrgh! Half a worm. The Bored Panda iOS app is live! Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. The Big MacKerel! At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "The soup is cold. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? (Gumball, The Loud House, Teen Titans Go) The amazing world of gumball, Teen titan and Teen titans Go, Adventure Time and even Gravity falls are. 89. It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. ""Yeah, it's been a rough day," says the bartender, "What are you drinking? What runs around a yard without actually moving? Because they were pop-ular. 43. 36. What makes cars not work properly when you change wheels? How do you make a tissue . Why shouldn't you trust atoms? Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about. Whats red and bad for your teeth? Why did the painting go to jail? Unfortunately, this is too true . it is also sad and wrong. Whats the best smelling insect? 62. 1 Two Redneck Farmers. Take a look at this collection of jokes and have a good time! 4 What did Delaware? 173. 24 Why do rednecks like having sex doggy style? It's hard to suppress the giggles after hearing a cheesy joke. "Let go of the branch", boomed the voice.There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there? Mississippi. Dj brew. 63. Also an owner of 0.0028 Bitcoin. Did you hear the rumor about the butter? 237. "The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face. "Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance. It was tense. Upon rubbing the lamp, a Genie appeared and asked him what his wish was. they are always good for a laugh! ", My nagging wife died suddenly on a trip to Jerusalem. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He takes off running and reaches the edge into the wind he goes! A four-chin teller. Choose from A-line dresses in sizes XXS-4XL and T-shirt dresses in sizes XS-XXL. They belong to me.You need to take them to the zoo, the policeman said.The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. ", A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow. It wanted to be a water-melon. 260. Silence! Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. What is that? I think Im going to go to college.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_4',618,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_5',618,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2-0_1');.large-leaderboard-2-multi-618{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:7px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:7px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:250px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}. ", Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A URLologist. A law suit. Why cant you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? ", As a group of robbers entered the bank, their leader went to the manager and asked him to open the vault. How do you get Pikachu on a bus? Then it dawned on me. They always take things literally. What do you call a fake father? Hello, 2023! Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition? The alarmed waiter rushes over and says, "Well Sir, it was freshly ground coffee! Everything else is irrelephant. 224. He pasta-way. Or, a less awkward one anyway. Before leaving they told my friend that they had enjoyed painting his car, but it is not really a Porsche. A walk. 244. Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. 204. What do you give to a sick lemon? What does a baby computer call its father? When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, "Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles. I aint never seen nuthinlike that in my entire life, I aint got no idear what it is.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'humoropedia_com-netboard-1','ezslot_22',625,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-netboard-1-0'); While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. 239. They make up everything. What does it make you if you see a robbery at an Apple Store? Bad jokes are seriously addicting and for that reason, you should always have a few ready to roll at a moment's notice. A one-liner is well and fine if you need a quick joke to brighten up the mood. He waits a painfully long moment before finishing, "scotch. We especially love would you rather questions at dinnertime. Why is it impossible to starve in the desert? 191. 3 What do lawyers wear to court? Phillipe Phillope. Carl had a big swollen nose. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. A redneck took his daughter to the gynecologist. He saw a police car passing the neighborhood, so he stopped it to ask for help. When he is talking to the Dean at the college, the Dean says to Jim: You will be taking 4 classes: English, Math, Science, and Logic. Why did the school kids eat their homework? 91. Because its so cool. 80. ", A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.His wife asks, "Do you know her? Whats the most musical part of the chicken? 41. I avoid hanging out with pigs. Search by topic Joke Topics Engine Jokes Cave Jokes Wednesday Jokes Mosquito Jokes Stew Jokes Snowflake Jokes Give me a ring. The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. But it helps. Get the kids giggling by asking why birds fly south for the winter. Do you know why the other one didnt? What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? Why is Peter Pan always flying? 212. They GoPro! Why did the man cut his camping trip short? Ten tickles 22. The second guy says, "What are you doing? Why do seagulls fly over the sea? A Dell! What is a gust of winds favorite color? 196. And then what happened? the officer interrupted. Why did the photograph go to jail? I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise., Thats amazing, the woman said. He was not happy with his life, he was not happy with the job he was doing. The Genie said okay and asked him, "Alright Mr. Look at the size of that bird, Paw! she exclaims. Why did the gym close down? Why were the teachers eyes crossed? Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. An iwitness. How do you open a banana? 120. 253. So, what should you expect from these story jokes, you might ask? "Look at it's hand. The gravy train. Whats red and moves up and down? Shutterstock Lawsuits! 4.5M views 1 year ago Adult Jokes In Kid Cartoons! They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. ", Once, a mosquito walked into a clinic. A redneck husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife mother of six rather than by her first name.The wife, amused at first, chuckles. 16. "Policeman: "About a gallon. 270. The father answered: to get my daughter on birth control, Doc.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'humoropedia_com-leader-2','ezslot_13',620,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-leader-2-0'); Well, is your daughter sexually active?, asked the doctor. What is the center of gravity? 81. "The man said "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now.". Chris James is black and has a British accent.Want to see more Stand Up Comedy? What do you get when you cross a grocery store and a scientist? 72. 276. 189. "Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time". What do you call someone who doesnt like carbs? Grandma may be the queen of nonsensical sayings, but Dad is certainly the king of cheesy jokes. Everything I looked at. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.I gently nudged my wife and said, "I bet you wish you still had legs like that! They have many fans. It starts hopping away, turning back every few hops to wave at the two people. Why cant male ants sink? Why are the Irish so wealthy? One says, Spit out your gum, and the other says, Choo choo choo!. A philosiraptor. The mosquito said that he had a lot of problems. VegeTABLE. BOOOOOOOts. Someone glued my deck of cards together. My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! The perfect tummy control bodysuit, a popcorn gadget, more bestsellers starting at $8. How do you tell if a vampire is sick? But, we all know how these situations tend to go - if you need to remember an entertaining story that has actually happened to you, your mind goes blank, and now the moment to shine is missed. The first hunter says, Wow, thats some hole; I cant even see the bottom. But what makes a dad joke different from a regular pun? 118. Ooops! Re-Morse code. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you? The police officer gets out of his car and approaches the window of the Muslim mans car. Cheerios! 197. "My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter.". It was framed. When do computers overheat? The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. You're ink-redable. ", asks another waiter. Jim says to Bob: You know what? The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. 111. Because then it would be a foot. Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? 115. Now get ready to make some memories filled with laughter with these 70 hilariously funny jokes! What do you call a pig that does karate? Where does a waitress with only one leg work? it's pretty much a universal fact that petting or even spotting a dog in the street can lift your mood. What do cows most like to read? Knock! 127. We respect your privacy. To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. By the bark. I bought an automatic shovel. "Beat it. Sure enough, there was a panda. What kind of music do planets like? 148. "The farmer didn't answer. 193. The past, present and future walked into a bar. Continue with Recommended Cookies. They're a boar. Share a giggle with these funny jokes! Why did the tomato turn red? A dog walks up on the front lawn and takes a seat. When the food critic says no, the owner decides to taste the soup himself but he can't find the spoon. A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. 289. Because when you find it, you stop looking. "What's wrong? "Patient: "Right around the entrance. 112. The boy takes the quarters and leaves. Sarah Lemire is a lifestyle reporter at TODAY.com with more than a decade of experience writing across an array of channels including home, health, holidays, personal finance, shopping, food, fashion, travel and weddings. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way. Hey Pandas, What Are Some Of Your Favorite Dad Jokes? Because it was cultured. Three rednecks are drinking beer at a bar. "Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money. What is the tallest building in the entire world? Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Always be ready to make someone laugh with these. 181. Who eats snails? Send Good Vibes. The boy asked, Paw, Whats at? The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, Son, I dunno. ""This is incredible", said the man. To get his quarter back. Right where you left him. Shutterstock A New Jersey! Really? He picks it up and starts crying, thinking hes a horrible person. Funny Car Jokes. 128. What did the clock ask the watch? "Oh, Im so sorry to hear that. She was having a dry spell. 56. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long? He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. 150. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. One was named Trouble, while the other boy's name was Mind Your Own Business. 158. But the pilot objected he said, The plane can take out only four of your elk. What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach? The Lock Up. So, if you don't like jokes, skip jokes and view photos only. 57. We're closed!" Guess customers will have to go the DIY way. We charge only for the potatoes., My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later. It's a knight light. There was de-Brie everywhere. Why did the ghost go to rehab? 285. A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. Why did the dinosaur go to the doctor? Why did the man put his money in the freezer? The reception was amazing. 37. How do you drown a hipster? Best One-Liner Dad Jokes "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now." "A guy walks into a bar.and he was disqualified from the limbo contest." "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. "The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. Why aren't there any restaurants on the moon? 54. Why was the math book sad? Its $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.. Very Rich Clay, what is your second wish? 145. Flood-lights! If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. 103. 277. 227. The Mane House. Because it had so many problems. After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. The Desperado swears, steps back into the bar, and fires a round. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. He was Low-key! Because people are dying to get in. Theyre immediately taken back to a room. The man asked the barber to give his son a haircut while he shopped for groceries nearby. They always get a flush 23. 93. At sundae school. Wheeeee! ", Nah. 138. 159. Do you want to hear a construction joke? Dinner's on me. The coach replied, "You're standing too close to the ball after you've hit it.". How much money does a pirate pay for corn? What do sea monsters eat? What do you call a sleeping bull? What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? 163. A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. Please share in the comments. So, one day they were playing hide and seek. 170. Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill. Why should you never trust stairs? 228. !Man, that sentence was way too long. Because nothing gets under their skin. "Why are you here again? "I work for 7 Up! Same middle name. Thanks Ill never part with it! It was framed. I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it. What kind of ghost has the best hearing? 50 of the funniest dog memes ever. How do you make holy water? A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, "Ladies and gentleman; we don't know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners. Plus over 100 more of the funniest jokes for holidays and even new jokes for dad to tell! In a hambulance. Follow me on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and Instagram for all my latest updates. 25. Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. Which holiday do cows enjoy most? We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. What type of flower should you not give on Valentines Day? A Husband and Wife at Custody court. 230. Remember though if you tell these jokes when you dont have kids it is a faux pa hahahah. When should you take a plum to dinner? "He replied, "Neither do I. He opens it and sees the same snail. Thank you for taking the time to share your feedback with us! My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole! Leave the pizza in the oven. 198. What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? What runs but never goes anywhere? As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on? The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. 14. Say there, says the farmer, you fellers didnt happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?, The first hunter says, Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!, The old farmer said, Thats impossible. 166. She was hit by the zamboni. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. I prefer to throw them away. Where do elephants store their clothes? How can you tell its a dogwood tree? He wanted them to paint his porch. How did the dinosaur build her house? The taste, mostly. The second redneck says, Oh yeah? 134. It's my way or the Huawei. 297. he shouted. Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance. Never mindits tearable. To make some dough. What kind of tree fits in your hand? Better yet, having your own stash of dad jokes ready to roll for the next family holiday or dinner with friends is a must because a good ol' knee-slapper is always welcome. Once you are there, give the jokes youve enjoyed the most your vote and share this article with your friends afterward. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls. 47. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. 186. 144. In a trunk. He looks at his mother and says, "Look Momma, I'm a white boy." His mother slaps him hard on the face and says, "Boy, go show your Daddy." The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a . Teacher Appreciation Ideas 100s of the Best Ideas, Over 300 FUNNY Jokes to Make You Laugh! The eeriest. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. A pie-thon! 90. Bubba the redneck decided to save up and get a hang-glider. You boil the hell out of it. Cauli-flower. The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, "Morning, boys! A soccer match. "A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! I don't file my nails. A flat minor. What does it take to make an octopus laugh? A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. In fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store. Why did the witches team lose the baseball game? ", A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.. Then two years ago, you told me to go to Mexico, and Earlene got pregnant again. Herein, we've rounded up the 50 funniest jokes that are so silly they're practically sunshine. Yeah, he replies, but at least he let go of Bubba!, A redneck sees another redneck carrying a bag. 48. 113. Locs of Life. A dinosaur was in a car accident. 35 Animal Jokes For Kids A Desperado rides into town and downs a few drinks at the saloon. Print them off for free! What did the grape do when it got stepped on? How did the barber win the race? We love funny jokes for kids! 201. 123. A soccer match. Whats the most famous fish? It lost its filling. Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. Do you know how fast you were going? The police officer says.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',621,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-leader-3-0'); The Muslim man responds angrily, I had no f***ing clue officer!, The cop, surprised, looks at the Muslim man in the eyes and says, What did you just say ta me?, The Muslim man apologizes: Im sorry officer, its Ramadan and Ive been fasting. He takes careful aim. Unbelievable. 140. The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, "Morning, boys! he shouted.A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me. Put a little boogie in it. 76. 19 Whats the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? 298. After a few drinks they start talking about their wives. 141. Cricket. Knotty Dreads. What kind of fishing bait do librarians use? 84. 203. "I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense. And this one will be too, because (1) I like talking, (2) I want to continue with the joke, and (3) I just don't plain care about what anyone here thinks but whatever it is very hilarious. You wont miss an opportunity to make someone laugh with these corny good jokes. What do lawyers wear to work? 117. Let us know what you think! As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." What do you call birds that stick together? Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. A buccaneer. ", A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? They suspected foul play. A starfish! Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? , "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher.After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The thief replied: "In that case, give me my money.". data nugget why are butterfly wings colorful answer key. What do you call a group of disorganized cats? But you need to wear these condoms to stop me from getting pregnant. So they have a Ball.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'humoropedia_com-box-4','ezslot_6',196,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-box-4-0'); A week later, one of these redneck farmers says to his mate: Are you still worried she got pregnant? His mate says: Naw, not really. Then he replies: LETS TAKE THESE CONDOMS OFF THEN., Two rednecks were sitting on a porch. 267. Why did the melon jump into the lake? Aye matey. Good friends don't let you do stupid things alone. "She's my ex-wife. They waited in the doctors office when finally the doctor came in and asked the father: Well, what are we here for today? So, the wife and I were in town shopping And as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. Where do cows go for entertainment? Why are hairdressers never late for work? Did you hear about the witch that went into the desert? How does NASA organize a party? Hey Pandas, What Is Your Favorite Conspiracy Theory? An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. 248. The first redneck says, My wifes so damn stupid the other day she bought a motorcycle helmet and we dont even have a bike.. 68. An impasta. What does a ghost wear to splash in puddles? They turn around to see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, jump in head first.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'humoropedia_com-narrow-sky-2','ezslot_21',627,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-narrow-sky-2-0'); While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. TODAY: Ready to show teachers some ? 288. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party? Why did the scarecrow win an award? Itll be okay, son. How do you make a water bed bouncier? They're on the house! Neptunes. In my neighborhood, there was a couple who had given their twin sons very weird names. I sold my vacuum the other day. ", An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. Two redneck farmers are leaning over a farm gate when gorgeous girl pulls up in her Mercedes. What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? Foil again!. He was so good, I don't even. 61. They cantaloupe. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. His wife was standing nearby watching him. Mistle-toes. They are on their honeymoon. 175. ", Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. The man jumps up screaming, grabs his trousers, and runs home to tell his father. As they stand there listening and looking over the edge, they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. Mother's Day. By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. They were hoping for a draw! One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "The soup is cold. Where do pirates get their hooks? 268. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? 283. Including cringe-worthy puns and corny laughs that'll give your dad a run for his money. Share a giggle with these funny jokes! I said that it had to be the most intelligent cat ever. 233. Funny Short Jokes This is what happens when thousands of people come together and share their funniest short jokes. Two walkie talkies got married. Why were the fishs grades so bad? ", A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries. Looks authentic, doesn't it. The manager was confused and asked him, "Don't you mean 'You are history'?" Because she ran away from the ball. Why dont blind people skydive? And if you have a house, you probably have a wife, and if you have a wife you must be a heterosexual!if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_11',619,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0'); Wow! Jim said, You found all that out just because I have a weed Wacker! The Dean nodded.