I had done the unthinkable. And not just once, but I was living in repeated, habitual sin. I believed so many lies; and told even more. I believed that this was just who I am, I had gone too far, God would never forgive me or take me back. I had strayed too far for too long.

My husband, Garrett, and I had been married 11 years at that point. We had met at a Christian Leadership Training Program at the beginning of one summer and were engaged by the end of that summer. 

God had made it clear to both of us that He intended us for one another. And I had never doubted that – it was absolutely beautiful how God sweetly brought us together and it was such an answer to prayer and my deepest heart’s desire. 

Garrett’s Confession:

Just a month before our 11-year wedding anniversary, Garrett tenderly sat me down on the couch in our living room because he needed to tell me something. With a contrite and broken heart, he confessed that for the past eight years of our marriage he had struggled on and off again with pornography. I had naively thought it would never be an issue for us as it had never been a struggle for him prior to us getting married. Yet, I was so thankful that he confessed and to finally know what the distance I had sensed in him so long ago was most likely attributed to.

Brenna’s Confession

But, unbeknownst to him, at the time he confessed his struggle with pornography to me, I had been having an affair with a man I worked with for the past FIVE years. The one horrendous thing I never, ever thought I would do, or somehow even be capable of, both because I loved Jesus and loved my husband. As Garrett confessed, a million thoughts swirled in my mind, but I still didn’t have the guts to confess my own sin. I also didn’t feel like I could fully feel the hurt and betrayal done to me because of the massive hurt and betrayal I was hiding. 

God, in His goodness, was beginning to help put to death all the wickedness and sin that we had been engaged with and hiding from one another. However, it wasn’t until a couple of months after Garrett confessed that I finally confessed my affair. God had used a previous coworker to confront me and give me an ultimatum – either I would tell Garrett, or he would. There is a lot surrounding this confrontation that had me questioning this guy’s motives, but the bottom line is that I needed that “come to Jesus moment” to break free. 

I had tried to end the affair so many times but was constantly sucked back in. When you create such a hole in your heart that only God can fill, but don’t turn to God to fill it, you constantly find yourself turning to the same short-lived, incomplete, deadly deception in an attempt to fill that void. Yet, it never fully satisfies. My heart and my mind had truly become Satan’s playground. He had such a foothold – I truly was the walking dead. 

Immediately after my confession, I felt a myriad of emotions. I felt horrified at what I had to articulate to my sweet husband of what I had done. Terrified of what the future of our relationship may or may not be. Utterly sickened by the havoc I had just unleashed upon his heart and his mind. 

Yet, I also felt immense joy and indescribable freedom. I was finally coming home into my beautiful Savior’s arms. And He ran out to meet me to welcome me home, wrap me up in His embrace and celebrate my return instead of rubbing my nose in my mistakes. No, not just mistakes – my utter defiance and rebellion.  

Garrett quickly committed to working toward forgiveness and we would have a very long road ahead of us. But we would work. And we would grieve. And be angry. And be filled with overwhelming regret and remorse. 

We chose minute by minute to fight for one another together with Jesus, and He is oh so faithful. We certainly didn’t navigate everything perfectly, but we chose to navigate it all with the One who is perfect, and that made all the difference.

From Lover to Beloved is my journey of coming back to Christ and grasping hold of His love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness to live a life of freedom and joy in Him!